Guest writer, Edward Tedson Sesay of London, United Kingdom, looks at the issue of relationship breakdown among Africans who migrate to the Western World. In this piece, he discusses the motivations for migrating, the stark realities on arrival in our dream countries, and the lessons to learn if African marriages are to survive the various challenges such as the strange reversal of fortunes and the culture shock in our host countries.
By: Edward Tedson Sesay (London, UK) – Guest Writer
Motivation For Migrating
At independence, many Africans were filled with tremendous hope and optimism. Beside the prospect of freedom and self-rule, many thought that independence would also lead to a significant improvement in their socio-economic circumstances: improved living standards including access to quality education and affordable health care. Unfortunately however, just a few years after independence, the economies of most African countries became characterized by grinding poverty, endemic political corruption, high rates of unemployment and inevitably, untold misery for the populations.
The net result of such economic paralysis and political suffocation is that many Africans including highly skilled professionals have been forced to pack their bags, leave their beloved families and environments to seek socio-economic salvation in the Western World.
Stark Realities
In many families, it is usually the husband who first makes the move to the West. It is no doubt that the struggle begins from the very minute the decision to migrate is made. The family begins to ponder over the million dollar question of “how do you secure the highly valued travel visa?” As the going gets tougher for us in the motherland, our resolve to move to the West becomes stronger, and it is not unusual to hear the desperate African say to his close friends or relatives, “by hook or crook, dead or alive, I will get there.” What will we not do to go to the coveted West? Visit the “juju or medicine man”, fasting, becoming “Born Again” and spending days and nights in the exploitative churches of fake Men of God, gathering all sorts of documents ( forged or real ), selling some of our valuables if we have any, and defrauding others, to name just a few. Then one day, Kothor Sorie comes home to his wife with the broadest smile on his face and signals her to come to the bedroom. In the bedroom, he proudly puts his passport in the hands of his wife and shouts, “Finally, I have got it. “ He means the visa. They both share the joy and they normally would say, “Our problems are over,” “enemy corlay, or “shame pan dem”. But is this the end of their problems, and will their enemies no longer have cause to engage in gossip about their families? In the experience of many, getting the visa and arriving in the West is in fact the opening of a new chapter of difficulties for the family.
On first arriving in the West, everything on sight is a true testimonial that that you have indeed come to a new world: towering mansions, beautiful cars, good roads, 24 hour electricity and pipe borne water supply, good food, telephones, the internet etc. The new arrival will definitely be tempted to think that his problems are indeed over. The reality however is that by the time the new comer begins searching for a job and realizes the kind of jobs that are available for immigrants like himself ( despite his academic qualifications and experience from his home country ), the shock makes him wonder whether by coming to the West, he has not made a monumental mistake. For the new immigrant, this new found land is not without its thorns and thistles. No, not all that glitters is gold.
“D” To The Fifth Power
The new immigrant, through the help and guidance of good friends and relatives, grabs the first job that comes his way. A job indeed that has nothing to do with his qualifications or experience but because he has an obligation to support those he has left behind, ( wife, children and the extended family ) he has no choice but to be prepared to give all that it takes to maintain himself in the job. He begins to send home money that is converted to thousands or millions depending on the African country he hails from. Before long however, he begins to experience “burn out” and frustration as a result of the nature of the job. Optimism gives way to disappointment and in some cases, despair for the only available jobs for him fall under the category of “D” to the fifth power (difficult, draining, dirty, dangerous, demoralising). The new arrival now knows that he has two choices: returning home (which is shameful) or accepting reality in his new home. In many cases, the latter prevails and once the new arrival makes up his mind to settle and carry on with the “D” to the fifth power jobs, his next plan is to bring over his wife by hook or crook. Through hard work and sacrifice, his dream comes true: madam comes to join him in the West.
Culture Shock: Strange Reversal of Fortunes/ Who The Hell Do you Think You Are?
Madam arrives in the dream land and Mister takes his time to map out a plan to help madam settle quickly in order for her to join him in the fight against poverty: helped her get a job in order to lessen the burden of financial obligations that he carries. They say, “two hands make work lighter”. All is well between Kothor Sorie and Madam in the initial period, and Kothor Sorie being loving and hard working, sorted out madam’s immigration papers in a couple of years. Mister soon realises that even though he had been in the country much longer than his wife, her take home pay almost doubles his own. She makes an equal contribution to the running of the home. As if Kothor Sorie has not had enough troubles, he loses his job as a security officer and Madam takes over altogether.
How Are The Mighty Fallen? Trouble Knocks At the Door
For any typical African man, bringing home less pay than the wife is worse than a slap in the face. If worse still he is jobless and brings nothing home, this is disgrace that he can hardly handle. His ego and manly pride are hurt so much that he almost loses the will to live.
In many parts of Africa, male dominance is the rule rather than the exception and the power and control the male has are linked to his productivity and his role as the breadwinner. The man is king: he goes and comes as he pleases, says what he wishes and may run the home without feeling a need to consult with the wife. As a result of this patriarchal order in Africa, the African wife in Africa is content to remain the “yes” person and to dance to the music of the monarch of the home even though she may have her own views. Did I not as a child growing up in my little African village hear my father telling my “mothers”, “listen women, you are here to be seen only and not to be heard? “
In the West, the burden of being the family’s bread winner is equally shared between husband and wife and the society, in more ways than one, instills in couples the concept of a 50/50 marriage. The system ensures that wives know that they have powers that they should not give away in their relationships. When the African woman arrives in the West, she quickly learns about the concepts of Human Rights and Equality. Of course, do they not with keen interest watch the Oprah Winfrey show in the U. S. or The Tricia Show in the UK where equality issues are frequently debated? They quickly learn that the man is the one the police ask to leave the house in marital conflicts that result in physical altercation. Many African women (not all) take advantage of this new found freedom they never imagined existed until coming to the West. In some cases, these rights are over used or abused to pay back for the many years of forced silence they experienced in Africa. In Sierra Leone, when somebody comes across something new and uses that thing again and again, his friends tease him with the saying, “die man fen matches.” African men should thus note that in the West, the new found freedom of our wives is like the box of matches found by the dead man. They have to scratch the matches again and again and again until someone close to them says, “it’s enough”. Whether the African man wants it or not, he should understand why playing second fiddle in a marriage in the West becomes so unattractive to African women. So if one day your one time very obedient wife stands up to you and asks, “who the hell do you think you are?” do not be amazed. You are experiencing that strange reversal of fortunes. The mighty have fallen. David takes the place of Goliath.
Now take a look at these real life stories. The names used are however, fictitious.
The Case of Lamina Poyo
Lamina comes from Northern Sierra Leone and currently lives in Minnesota and has lived in the U. S. for ten years. His wife, Baromi joined him three years after he settled in the U.S. They both have Green Cards. One evening when coming home from work, Lamina stopped at the home of his close friend, Amadu and had a few cans of beer. On arrival home, Baromi was already in bed. Lamina quickly had a shower and jumped on the bed next to Baromi. It was one of those nights that Lamina really needed Baromi. He got closer and started the preamble to what he thought was going to be very good intimacy. Baromi turned towards Lamina and said to him, “Don’t touch me. You’ve been drinking and I can’t stand this smell of alcohol.”
Lamina who was shocked beyond belief, said, “I have only had a few cans of beer. In Sierra Leone, I drank palm wine almost daily and the smell of palm wine is stronger than that of beer. If you coped with the smell of palm wine over the years, why would the smell of beer bother you?” Baromi answered, “if I tolerated a Lamina Poyo in Sierra Leone, must I have a Lamina Poyo here again in America? She concluded, “From now on, no sex when ever you smell of alcohol.”
The case of Kini Brima: Not Under My Roof
Kini Brimah and his wife, Massa live in a town in Kent close to London. They both come from Southern Sierra Leone and both graduated from Njala University. Massa works as a senior in an old people’s home and does shift work. Kini Brimah does a nine till five job and most times feels bored when Massa is at work and he is home alone. Massa has opportunities for doing overtime at work. One day, when her work schedule was only meant to be 8.a.m. till 4.p.m. she came home at 10 pm and told Kini Brimah that she was asked to do over time. Kini Brimah then commented that Massa had not telephoned him to inform him of the extension of her shift and that he also tried to ring Massa but that her phone was switched off.
Massa got angry and said, “You know we have to switch our phones off at work and you know I need the extra money.” Kini Brimah, suspecting foul play, snapped and wanted to show that he is the man of the house. He screamed and said, “This can’t happen under my roof.” Massa smiled and spoke in a very calm but firm voice, “when we lived in Sierra Leone and you paid the rent, it was your roof. This house in Kent was jointly bought by you and me and we pay the mortgage together. So you better check yourself. Whether you want it or not, I need extra money and it will happen under your eyes.” Wow, how are the mighty have fallen?
The case of Chernor and Iyamiday
This couple live in Canada. Chernor grew up in the Fullah Town area of Freetown and Iyamiday is from Central Freetown. They went to Canada through what is called the “Resettlement Programme.” Iyamiday is now complaining that her husband does not love her because he does not shower kisses on her, tell her she loves her or buy her flowers like other men do for their wives. Chernor finds it hard to understand this. As far as he is concerned, loving your wife has nothing to do with buying flowers or saying, “I love you.” What matters is that the bills are paid, the fridge is not empty and we send money home to help our relatives. Then one day, Iyamiday was brought home from work in a car by a male Chernor did not recognize. She also had a bunch of flowers in her hands.
The Case of Kumba and Tamba: The Rod of Correction
Both come from the diamond rich district of Kono in Eastern Sierra Leone and they live in Australia. The couple differs radically in the way their two teenage girls should be brought up. Kumba says these girls were born here and are now aged thirteen and fifteen and should therefore be given some freedom to go in and out. Tamba disagrees with this and insists that the movements of the girls should be strictly monitored for their own safety. The thirteen year old returned home late one evening and Tamba smacked her. Kumba witnessed this and started an argument. Tamba reiterated that if the girl did that again, he would smack her again. Kumba said this was too much and she called the police on her husband and reported the smacking. Tamba was lucky this time around. He only received a caution from the police, but his wife’s action left an indelible mark on the landscape of his African mind.
“Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him,” says the Bible in proverbs 22:15. In Africa, this Bible passage is religiously adhered to even by the most ungodly. Children are whacked for wrongdoing. In the West, even the most pious ignore this verse, for to beat your child will earn you a long prison term, and on completing your sentence, you are likely to be banned from having anything to do with the children. Tamba will definitely have to think twice next time her daughters behave inappropriately. Are we having an eleventh commandment here? “Thou shalt obey thy wife and thy children.”
Unfortunately for some African men, their women use their financial power over them to replace their male dominance with female imperialism without regard for the male ego. They shatter their men completely. The men then start burning inside and start raging for their rightful position. The result most times is violence to prove their manhood. Okonkwo, the main character in Achebe’s “Things Fall Apart” would do anything to prove that he is not weak. In the story, he slaughtered Ikemefuna, the boy he brought up and loved because “he was afraid of being thought weak.” African men in the Diaspora are sometimes tempted to act like Okonkwo, but while we do get away with beating our wives in our African towns and villages, in the West, you will rot in prison even for raising a finger against your wife. So watch out.
Facts/ Lessons To Learn
Many immigrants have been able to achieve better economic lives in the West, but have also come to realize that settling into a new culture and lifestyle comes with difficulties and one of the most distressing casualties of the immigration experience is the breakdown of hitherto happy marriages. Marriage is doomed.
The African man’s reversal of fortunes in the West is like being used to eating with your right hand your entire life only to wake up one day and find out you must now use your left. Though a hard thing to accept, African women in Africa are generally not bread winners and therefore are obedient. In the West, the African woman is a provider and they are asking us to note and accept that providers cannot live like beggars.
The African men who wish to live peacefully in the West should survey the landscape and begin on the path to real life time adaptation and change with the times and environment and quit sulking about their wives having changed on them. Again, I must emphasize that this is not easy but you do not have a choice.
It is very important that this dramatic affront on the African man’s position as the king of the home in favour of the needs of the wife be carefully handled by both parties. A woman should not cease to be a woman just because she has the wallet in the family. Just because a husband does not buy her flowers does not mean he does not love her. African men are not used to a public display of love: kisses, hugs, flowers and saying “I love you” a million times a day to their spouses. Yet they love their wives and show their love the way they are used to.
A Word For The wise…..
To my African brothers who wish to come and settle in the West with their wives, I will advise that you remember to dump your African crown and sceptre at Lungi Airport if you are coming from Sierra Leone, or at Murtala Mohamed Airport if coming from Nigeria. In the West, we do have Husbandly wives and wifely husbands. Do not wait for your wife to embarrass you with the reminder that, “this is not Kabala or Ibadan.” For those of you that are already here, if you feel your position threatened, work out a sensible compromise with her. Remember never to lift your hand against her no matter how angry she makes you. Sometimes you should go out for a while and spend time with a good friend. You can have a few beers to drown your sorrow, but remember not to drink too much for while some wives will impose sex sanctions for the smell of alcohol, others will dial 999 if in the UK to call in their “closest relatives”- the police. If however you find the experience too much to cope with, do not risk getting into trouble with the law that has no pity for the deposed African king. You know what to do.
The writer, Edward T. Sesay is a proud alumnus of Saint Francis Secondary School, Makeni and Fourah Bay College - University of Sierra Leone
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